sentimental fool

Cold, bitter days, when the sun shines through but does little to warm your extremities or your heart, always remind me of past lovers. I walked the Lake today, listening to Sade and Jay Z, toying with the idea of not being angry with D anymore. Not being angry for the 2 1/2 years I wasted being in love with him. Not being angry for being so silly and wanting so badly to have faith in something, that I put all my trust in him even though I knew from the start exactly how it had to end. Not being angry for his lies, his deception, his selfishness, his betrayal, his ignorance, his secret. I was walking past the swings, pissed that there were too many little kids on the playground for me to ethically take a swing for myself, thinking about how little I trust people, and why on earth I chose someone who I knew would disappoint me, who I set up to disappoint me, as the one person I would put so much faith and love in. It was about 4:15 and the sun was on its way down. When the sun gets in my eyes and momentarily I cannot see the ground below me as my eyes recover, I notice that I instinctualy hesitate to move forward, as if I don't even trust the ground to be there for me the very next second.

When I was small I used to hide in my room sometimes and listen to that song from the Disney movie with Fifel the mouse in it. I can't remember what it was called, the movie, but the song was about looking at the moonlight and taking comfort in knowing someone you desperately needed to be with was under the same sky and maybe looking at it too and so you were connected even though u were far apart. I used to listen to it and think about my mom and cry. I thought she was my soulmate and that we were supposed to be together. I knew that when I grew up and found her, everything would make sense and she would understand me and love me and I would forgive her for leaving. I never told anyone that I did this with the Fifel song cuz even though I was like 4 or 5, I knew/thought it was really sentimental and cheesy, and besides that it was just private; it was like my time with her.

I am not weak but I have weak moments.
I am so grateful every day that I moved out here, away from dead ends and going nowheres, and have an amazing life, friends, love, and job.


"The best revenge is having the time of your life." - Bettina (Kathy Bates) from Six Feet Under